I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
