According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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