I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
