dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
