at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
