Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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