i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
