his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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