He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
