so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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