I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Too much gin, very little bucket
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
