Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
