dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
