I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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