One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
