how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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