To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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