My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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