I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
