i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
