There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
