I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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