the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
