Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
