Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
