"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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