I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
