The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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