you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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