The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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