do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
