I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I will be naked everywhere
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
