He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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