The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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