I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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