mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Non-Jews are for practice
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
