I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
