no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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