loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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