so that wasnt chicken after all
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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