My hand turned me down
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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