i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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