You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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