Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
