y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
