Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
