i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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