I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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