She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
