I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
