Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
