Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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