I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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