I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
